I know the tears that will fill my eyes that I will have to fight back. I miss you. I miss you. I am not doing anything else. Her little face is all filled out. I know you all worry when I am quiet, but I promise I am o.k. Like you are missing and not actually dead. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because Im pregnant and tired, is bullshit. Sometimes not. God Bless your beautiful family! Please keep watching over Ben with the Bald Head for me. Ronan. Not a lot has been going on so I dont have a ton to write about. I need to get in some hours working on this book. She is surviving all while making this world a better place. I wonder how comethe wholewide world doesnt feel this way, too. By far one of the best ones Ive been to. We went to dinner in this big city last night. Ronan - ROCKSTAR RONAN She asked if I remembered your service and how difficult it was. I think its a big part of the missing piece of the puzzle of this sometimes detached from emotion reality that these doctors live in. My little hometown showed some major RoLove today. Fuck. I am so scared of having a still birth because thats the world I live in now and its all I hear about, besides cancer.. We had a little foundation business to attend to. I miss you. You know that speaks volumes in my book. It all started with the meeting of a lady who is such a badass in the cancer world, that Darth Vader would be scared of her. Thank you for keeping his mama going by showing me how much the power of love can move mountains. I took her to your favorite pizza spot, Delizas, which is right by the Ronald McDonald House. Buildings, roads, trees and natural life is simply disappeared. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. Whatever this baby is, it will be loved. Right in the middle of my breakdown, your Sparkly called. I couldn't take it anymore. I know Poppy is going to help us find our way a little more, too. The biggest reason of all. I went and got it. I miss being on the go 24/7. We both ache for our children so badly that it makes every single bone in our bodies throb with pain. Staying in bed, in NOT good for my mental well being. I attempted to drive home but had to pull over mid way so I could bang my head against my steering wheel and cry. Alright little man. http://emotionalmojo.comMy first real interview is Monday. But on nights like last night, I dont have a choice. They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. She is doing amazing things with it. The days are lost for me. I, of course, look for you on every field and on every team. Everything in our lives has changed. She has given me a lot to think about. You should have been the one, watching me die from old age. This was our last Thanksgiving with Ronan. Alright little man. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. I went with Stacy and Fernanda to shop for your Christmas Tree that we are putting up this weekend at PCH. Nobody knows that. The thought of that, put a smile on my face. I sat in my bed for a couple of days and pondered life and death. Holy smokes I was blown away! I even had to tell your Nana, not to come. Ronan. I told you it was a word! September 2022 - ROCKSTAR RONAN That about broke my heart right then and there. I will forever be sorry, sad, and brokenhearted. It was a boy. Now Im crying every single day, sometimes every single hour. I know what part of our connection is. Sweet dreams, little one. I did my best to soak up everything that was being said. I buried my head in her shoulder trying to control myself. I will make you both proud. I cant even begin to think about a nursery. But then I see your Urn staring back at me and I am quickly reminded that it is and there is nothing I can do about it, to bring you back. We went over the ultrasound and all of Poppys measurements which look perfect. Pillow case soaked. Oh, theres perfect infant Ronan. There was one person I had not told yet. We are truly grateful to have him on our side. Im sorry. He just is who he is. Changs Marathon is this Sunday. Thats all for tonight. Im doing this for Ronan and Teddy because that is all that matters. I dont even know what I said but Im sure I was on one of my usual rants about F U Cancer to him. Thats how I like it., Him: I know you insist on doing allthese things alone, but its not the way it should be. I have to make you proud, Ronan. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. My internal clock has been waking me up at about 2 a.m. for months now. How awesome would that be? They make the raddest tee shirts out there. I will never understand why this is acceptable. We talked about a lot of stuff. I know that running away would not have solved my sadness, but living in the same house, without you is hard for me. Just the usual? he asked. But I think about my friends daughter, and the fact that at her age, she knew what was happening. Blackness engulfs my forever painfully aching body of grief. It started with that phone call from your Mr. Sparkly Eyes while I was out in the Hamptons with your Poppy sister. She has a ton of hair already. She grabbed my hand and said, I promise you, we are going to make your dream, a reality. How surreal this all still seems to me. Happily. I have been so public with everything and after everything we have gone through, I want this little girl to enter this world as peacefully as possible. I am so excited to meet this beautiful gift you have given us. Romazing. But all the gratitude and good things will keep me going I promise you that. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. I was in a world that I normally dont live in anymore. Thanks to all of the amazing people you are just throwing my way, thanks to this blog, and thanks to the most kind hearted, generous people in the world, I now have a new home. But I just promised him I would try instead. "Rockstar Ronan" ~ This is where I go before I log onto my e-mail in the mornings, before I check my business websites or do anything . It was so not fair or right. You should not be sitting there. Your daddy went out last night. I was excited about this meeting but as always I go in not expecting a thing. Eager and passion are both things I feel from her. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are dead and the world is just going on when mine seems to be standing still. I will never stop apologizing for this. I miss you so much. I was in the middle of sending an email when he came down to get me. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, Because I dont know where my child is. That is how I feel. Please keep this baby girl safe for me, Ronan. The only ones I feel comfortable taking. She is so beautiful already. I was not about to put on a pretend one for him either. Becca. My time sucked but today, I had nothing to prove at all. Having a baby is emotional under normal circumstances. I dont understand this. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. I had forgotten about that story that happened while Woody and I were in a Nordstrom Rack in San Diego. They dont have a clue as to what they can tell me about this time around. I fucking hate 2 a.m. 2 a.m. blows. Ill check in with you later. I miss my workouts. I handed him the baby to hold and I was begging him to help me name this baby boy, as I could not think of a name. Mission accomplished without having a breakdown. So, lets keep watching and learning more Ronan. SO much that I somedays think this still cannot possibly be real. I forget to write about 23 months without you. Ronan. I love you to the moon and back. O.k. She told me she would keep a close eye on me, strip my membranes again, like she did with you if I wanted Poppy to come out a little early. I hope you are safe. Quinn was over the moon. He laughed at that. I love you, my little seal. I truly think you thought you were just going to go to sleep and wake up once again, after we got you all better. Am I pushing things a bit? Please. She is so lucky to have him as her Godfather, to love and look after her. Homemade whipped cream. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. I am forever so very sorry I couldnt fix you. Maybe, but its the only way I feel like I can survive. It shouldnt be, because of this beyond fucked up fuckery that she is surviving. You deserved better, Ronan and I will forever be so sorry that after everything that we tried and did for you that it death was still the final outcome. Do not let him be taken away. This never works, but I will continue to try for the rest of my life. Cancer was everywhere in your body, but you didnt act like it. There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. maya thompson - Page 6 - ROCKSTAR RONAN She talked about my natural talent as I writer. She is a great doctor. I was having a really, really sad day but didnt want to let him in on that. A lot of time at home, which is still hard for me. I have a ton more to write about, but I have to get ready for this little Skype interview set up that I am doing. THANK YOU. They just let me be, trusting in me to come around when I needed to come around. I am surviving, just like the Poppy flower. Thank RO for that daddy of yours. Sometimes, I miss it. The song was supposed to be on her original RED album, but her record executive, Scott Borchetta, did not think it would be a good fit for the album, so she released it as a stand-alone single to help benefit cancer charities. Dr. Jo. She sent me a picture of it today. She told me how she found out at 12 weeks here with both of her boys. I came home and fell into a deep sleep. I know the pain of losing a child, at any age, is awful. I did it without crying and drowning in my tears. Missing but Ill never be able to find you. I dont get to scold you when you are being naughty The only way I can get to you, is through these things that I am so desperately trying to do. With a lot of different things. I am so sorry that you had to be taken away. Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. She responded with, It might just be the BEST news ever. I called her. Only one other living thing survived and that was the poppy, flowering each year with the coming of the warm weather. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. I am so glad I finally got to meet her. I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! She also told me she hoped I was o.k. I think so, but to know so, Id have to go back and read my blogs from the past years. that my New York Miss Macy made me. Its like Im just now getting the memo, Hi, youre pregnant! No wonder I have been feeling like crap lately. If it is, fix it. I saw my OBGYN as well. I said, Sure! Of course you know I am so impatient when it comes to all things being pregnant. Please work harder because there is a reason you are here. I have had to regroup from that blow and go back to square one. Last night, when I woke up in that hotel room, only to find your daddy and brothers, and you were nowhere to be found.. well, what can I say? Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. This led to me sending him an email back saying in no way, shape or form, was I too harsh. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry., Him: Stop saying youre sorry. You dont. I am doing all I can on this end, to help spread the awareness. Quinnmade a commentabout how weird it felt to have another person living in our house again with us. Meat is still my enemy. I miss you. . I miss you. Then perfect little boy Ronan. Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. Finally, late last night, I started to feel better. I would have chased you like the wind today. I hope you are safe. I think Im dying. He knows that Ive been staying up late, working on this book and I listened to him as he said with urgency in his voice, that I need to get this done so I can Fuck Cancer. I know what the urgency meant. Ryan Starr was born Tiffany Montgomery in the Sunland neighborhood of Los Angeles, California, a place where she once described as a "middle of nowhere town, up in the hills - like, horse country." Her elementary, middle, and high schools were all about "a block from one another" in her words, and growing up, Starr considered herself to be "a small-town tomboy". Agreed. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that dont make sense. She told me had you had this at birth, it would have been so microscopic that nothing would have shown up. We still havent seen too many people as we are still just trying to take our time and get used to this new little life. So far, so good. ! because thats what I totally felt like. Ive been living off of pie. We Have a NewHome! Heres how Im going to get through the next two months. Even if we name her something else, she will be called Poppy as a nickname. I hope you are safe. I gave into it. We worked SO hard for those signatures and I know all of our supporters did, too. We have all agreed on that. I think Lacrosse is a good start. Im alone and I have nobody to take care of me.. I took Becca and Stacy there today. That phone call that I know he did not want to make, for fear of ruining our trip. That phone call that left my head spinning, tears falling, sheer panic, and of course where my mind goes to the absolute worst place. Ive got to go now, Ro. Im used to being the energizer bunny. The devil was kind of fun to dance with. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. Because at the end of the day, its not complicated at all. Not the day you flew away to the heavens above, not the day you went to be with Jesus, not the day you went to a better place where you are an angel now, not the day that you became free, not the day that you went home. I am not about to soften this blow with any of that bullshit. Ill bet if we would have lived here, Ronan would not have gotten cancer and died. I dont think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. Ill bet you are the WORST sick patient ever. The fact that I still dont really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. Because I do. No sleep needed. I wiped my tears away and let him tell me it was going to be alright. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. Last year I probably would have said I was thankful for nothing. We fell asleep pretty early. Im doing this, for them. She said alright and she would be there with me, to hold my hand. She would fall over if I became a vegetarian. We walked all over the city. Forever sorry. I had an early appointment at The Fetal&Womens Center of Arizona. I hope you are safe. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll. I hope you are safe. I could tell your Nana was a bit sad about this but I just said, Mom, I dont know how or what I am going to be feeling and I just want to be able to be, without having the pressure of having to fake like I am feeling one way, if I am not. She just gave me a squeeze and told me, Of course, honey. I then went on Google to do some research on if cats and raccoons are friends. I sat and watched it. Watch out childhood cancer! I punched a pillow and went back to sleep. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? Your brothers get the flu, awesome! By making the one dearest to my heart, o.k. I can be brave. I will see you tomorrow.. She sat with me for a good half an hour to discuss how I am doing, how I am feeling, how I am dealing with all of this, and how much I miss you. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. Of course my Taylor Swift playlist was playing. I think deep down, I knew it too, but the confirmation was nice today. I find myself obsessing about you and why you are not here. Its taken a lot of work to get us to go on in our day to day lives, together, as a family, with such a huge void that never goes away. I just keep telling myself, Ive got to just get though this part, but its not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death. But most of all, I miss you. with this. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. Someday, I will tell you. I sobbed into the phone. A lot is wrong with me, actually. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. He always knows how to cheer me up, but I was still left a little shaken. Ireland! I almost fell over. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. Ill enjoy them while I can:) I was productive yesterday. Do I need to get on a plane to come home? The thought of this made me laugh due to Dr. Jo. Im not even a nurse. I truly expected more from you. Our Fairy RoMo said to pack our umbrella. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. I begged and pleaded with you once again in the parking garage. We simply wanted some fucking lightbulbs changed out for one day, to recognize this world that deserves better. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. You are so right. Please, Ronan. So much has happened and so much No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. This was not something I was going to tell him over the phone. I dont get to teach you all the things I dreamed of. Its not the same as having you here. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. AKA-the Devil. I think Im dying. He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. Mascara and snot everywhere. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. Posted on December 1, 2021 Categories Uncategorized Tags All good things are wild and free, bereaved parents, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, doctors, Family, Grief, Health, honesty, maya thompson, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Music, Neuroblastoma, raw, reality, Rockstar Ronan, Ronan, ronan thompson, sadness, strength, Taylor Swift, tears . I am further along than that, but not much. Hopefully in the next month or so, Ill have some of my energy back, but until then, I WILL power through this. My foggy grief brain still makes a lot of my memories of you, hard to remember. I should have been his, for much more than almost 4 years. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. Everything looks perfect, just the way things looked with you, too. I will be just as happy if this is a boy, too. If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was. We talked a lot about Poppy, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, and of course you. I thought that name sounded cute, so that is why. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. Well, thats the world I live in, Ronan. As soon as my name was called, I got up and asked if it was o.k. Depth. Its 4 a.m. Im not tired but my eyes burn and my brain is mush. Me: Ill bet nothing bad ever happens here., Your daddy: That is not true. Gay. The day you left me is almost here. Fernanda came by the clinic and dropped me off a coffee (which I proceeded to knock over and spill) She called that, good luck. I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. I went to our meeting, did my best to formulate my thoughts with this heavy fog that was hanging over my head (tiredness or so I thought), came home 4 hours later (meeting very productive) crawled into bed and by that time, every inch of my body was aching. Pregnancy. I told him how he was pretty much the only person I listened to in this life anymore. Everyone else buzzed about, working their butts off to make this Run Like A Rockstar 5k run, happened and it ran smoothly. Thanks for nothing, White House. - ROCKSTAR RONAN A coffee for him. February 22, 2011 - ROCKSTAR RONAN She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. I sat back with our friends and watched the way the 4 of our boys became fast friends, laughing and giggling together. They turned out beautifully. Im pacing the house now. Oh, how you loved that thing. I sent my Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text and told him how I could not get out of bed. I love you so much. I told your daddy if I had a month, uninterrupted, I could finish it, easily. We were invited to a lunch that at a house that lasted much of the day. What I wouldnt give to have my old life back. I still think it is the most beautiful song that I have ever heard. She once again, told me she couldnt make me, but she felt very strongly about it due to how much Im in the public and traveling. One that I so badly wanted her at and one that she so badly wanted to be at but did not think she could come for due to her crazy work schedule. I met a friend this morning for coffee. Yes. I think I will wear black all day long. But I appreciated Fernanda saying that. This is one of the things that I love most about him. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. Guess what? I said, tears still falling everywhere. Ive been hiking like crazy, with Poppy in tow of course. Mawahahahahaha. He was my best friend, the love of my life.. this cant be real. Get a few more things done. For that, they will forever be my sisters. Somebody make this not real because it is too horrific. Its early in the day around 5 a.m. I have to have some things I keep to myself. A mother doesnt survive something like this. Where are you? He responded with In a meeting. Shes very eager which I like. Homemade crust. 2 a.m. Insomnia Parties With A Raccoon and ACat. Are you sure? The technician told me she was about 90% sure. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. Thank you for bringing her to us. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. I cant go home to an empty house. Insert sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldnt even finish my sentence, here, Me: Im sorry. We all are. He should have been mine, for the rest of MY life. I very rarely know happiness of my own. You will never hear me complain about fevers, strep throat, throwing up, etc Those things to me, are blessings. I should know more, soon. I can do a city, all alone, and badass, any other month, but not this month. I told them what I have been thinking. I remember last year, I couldnt even pack my suitcase. Im in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. Beauty. I only wish it were your body wearing it. Liam ran pretty much the whole lake, by himself. He said some more things to me that I wont repeat, but left me saying, How do you know that? I was so glad I didnt have to sit there alone.
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